Stop Putting “Spiritual” Shit in Your Vagina

Look, I know there are people who hang on every single goddamn piece of faux-spiritual-wellness bullshit advice that David Avocado Wolfe and Gwyneth Paltrow espouse, but seriously, y’all gotta hear me out on this one.

I keep getting emails from people asking about the trends of inserting crystals into their vaginas, and worse yet, WASP NESTS. Now, I’m no gynecologist, nor do I play one on tv, but I can tell you with 100% certainty that these are things you should not ever do. EVER.

Here’s the backstory. The trend of the vagina crystal, sometimes marketed as a yoni egg because that sounds really spiritual and feminine and pretty and shit, is one that goes on the theory that if you stuff a crystal up into your ladybits, you’ll absorb the powerful energies of said crystal. Allegedly this will cure all kinds of issues, from libido problems to low estrogen production to fertility challenges. Supposedly, it’s even going to make your sex life better, because you’ve got to tighten your vaginal walls to keep that crystal from falling out as you’re walking through Costco.

But ladies. C’mon. This is not how hormonal imbalances work. Sticking a yoni egg or a magical rock up in yo’ bizness isn’t going to suddenly make you ovulate. It is biologically impossible. And if you want to tighten the pelvic floor up, for the love of dog, do some damn Kegels. It’s a lot easier and you can even do it in Costco, because no one will know.

Equally important, sticking things in there and leaving them in place can lead to infections. There’s a reason tampon boxes come with warnings about how long you keep one in there. In particular, crystals that are porous can be rife with bacteria – and how do you know who’s been touching (or, so help me, inserting) that crystal before it got into your pants?

Dr. Jen Gunter, who is an Actual Gynecologist, writes,

“As for the recommendation that women sleep with a jade egg in their vaginas I would like to point out that jade is porous which could allow bacteria to get inside and so the egg could act like a fomite. This is not good, in case you were wondering. It could be a risk factor for bacterial vaginosis or even the potentially deadly toxic shock syndrome.”

Okay, and can we talk about the wasps’ nests for just a moment. I never thought I would find myself actually typing these words but holy mother of toaster oven, do not put those in your vag either.

According to reports, some online retailers are selling “oak galls,” which is a fancy way of saying “a little nest of house wasp eggs,” along with the instructions to mush them up and make a paste, which one then applies to the inner walls of the vagina. Guys. DO NOT. JUST DON’T.

The theory is that this makes your sex life better, because it “tightens up” the vagina but really what it does, according to gynecologists, is dries out the mucosa, causing the vagina to feel tighter. This can lead to infections and abrasions, because YOUR STUFF IS DRY.

Also? IT BURNS. Dr. Gunter says, “Here’s a pro-tip, if something burns when you apply it to the vagina it is generally bad for the vagina.”

So, ladies, stop doing these things. If you want to have amazing sex, you can do it without putting dangerous stuff into your ladyparts. If you want to focus your spirituality on your feminine energy by way of the reproductive system, have at it – but do it without inserting wasp nests and bacteria-harboring rocks in there. Read up on the practices of tantric sex, masturbate to your heart’s content with your favorite freshly-washed adult pleasure toy, or find a partner who sparks your fire in every way, and who eagerly makes sure you enjoy yourself before he or she gets off during sexytimes.

But keep the wasps and the rocks out of your vagina.