Self-Care Sundays: Self-Care Ain’t Selfish

It’s recently occurred to me how much I enjoy the topic of self-care, which seems to somehow be viewed as a radical act of rebellious social anarchy. In some way, we’ve been conditioned to the idea that it’s just greedy to be focusing inward rather than outward, and so when we stop to do crazy bonkers shit like set boundaries, say no, or eliminate asshole people from our lives, we’re seen as selfish.

I got a plot twist for you, my little sugar plums.

Self-care isn’t selfish, it’s self-transformative, it’s self-empowering, and it’s self-sustaining. And the more you learn to accept the radical notion that it’s not only okay but also incredibly healthy to do things for yourself, the happier you’ll be… and that will allow you to be happier in your relationships with others. By giving self-care the attention it deserves, you create a better version of you to share with the world.

In other words, the best you is the one that is happy, healthy, and whole.

One of my favorite workshops to do is one on spiritual decluttering, and so since I’ve been thinking a lot about self-care lately, and how many people bypass it in favor of sustaining toxic and miserable relationships, I’m going to try to start a regular feature here on Outside the Lines. We’re gonna call it Self-Care Sundays, and each week I’m going to delve a little bit into some of the things I’ve learned over the course of my lifetime about spiritual decluttering and acts of radical, empowering self-care.

I want to start by saying that self-care isn’t all about bubble baths, glasses of wine, pedicures, and watching Netflix with your dog. Sometimes, self-care is hard. Sometimes, it’s about stepping outside of your comfortable little box you inhabit, and doing things you never would have allowed yourself to do.

It’s about living a bit dangerously, and daring greatly.

Because I don’t want it to take you nine hours to read this blog post, I’m going to keep things sort of short today, but before I bounce, I want to leave you with a couple of thoughts on relationships, and how and why it’s important to look at them. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say something kinda subversive:

The key to a relationship is NOT how you feel about the other person. It’s how they make you feel about yourself.

Yeah, you heard me. We’ve all had that friend who was in a relationship with the worst, most awful shitbag on the planet, and it was always But I loooooooooove hiiiiimmmmm. Okay, but he makes you cry, he says you’re fat, and you’re pretty sure he’s cheating on you… why in the name of sweet baby Jesus wouldn’t you kick that to the curb as soon as you were able? For real, fuck that guy. Get him gone.

Look, I get that society has convinced us it’s better to have bad relationships than no relationships at all (“Woman dies alone and unloved with only her fourteen cats to mourn her, film at 11“). But y’all, this is so destructive. Remember when you were in high school and there was that Mean Girl, and you put up with her being a Mean Girl because she was popular and you just wanted her to like you?

Ugh, I do not have the time, energy, or spoons in my world to handle that garbage. Here are my basic relationship survival guidelines:

• Quality over quantity. I have a lot of people in my life that I like. But I’m incredibly selective about how and when I spend my time, and with whom. I’d rather have a small, intimate group of close friends that I care deeply about than a bunch of superficial connections that pretend we’re close.
• When it gets to be too much, I try to limit my social media usage and focus on real face to face relationships — breakfasts with friends, or just meeting up for a cup of coffee and an hour of conversation does wonders for me, and helps me shed unwanted mental baggage.
• When you’re dealing with other people, I ask myself one simple question, Does this person bring value to my life or are they making me feel bad about it? The honest answer lets me decide whether to save or delete, and the end result is that I have cultivated a life full of people who bring me joy — and absent of those who don’t.
• Some relationships can’t just be terminated — but you CAN learn to set boundaries. Do you have a toxic family member or in-law who’s a dick every time you’re around? You can set guidelines — either by refusing to be around them, or by standing your ground when you are. “Aunt Karen, I’m glad that you’ve decided to join us for dinner, but you are not allowed to sit at my table and insult me. Pass the gravy.” NO ONE HAS PERMISSION TO TREAT YOU LIKE SHIT.

At the end of the day, the bottom line is that you’ve can’t start focusing on radical self-care until you make the conscious decision to start focusing on radical self-care. I recognize that this sounds simplified, but there it is — make the choice, and do something radical and subversive and wonderful.

Next week, we’ll talk about the spiritual value of minimalism — y’all, don’t even get me started on how much freakin’ JOY it brings me to fill up a bag with stuff that I don’t use anymore and drop it off at the thrift store!

Want to learn more about some radical self-care ideas? Check out my book Witchcraft for Healing: Radical Self-Care for Your Mind, Body, and Spirit, available November 10, 2020!