Saturday Spellwork: Stop Casting These Spells Because They’re Crap

I know, I know, at least ten of y’all are going to see that headline up above and comment with DON’T U TELL ME HOW 2 MAGICK, but I really need you to hear me out on this. If you Google “Wiccan spells,” you’re going to get a metric fuckton of garbage from a lot of different websites, and nearly all of them are literal and total crap.

They’re crap because they don’t work, and they’re crap because they encourage people to do spellwork for stuff that spellwork can’t do, and thus set you up for automatic failure. And then you’re going to email me or one of the other people out there who write about magic and Paganism and you’re going to ask why it didn’t work, and I’m going to tell you “because it’s crap,” and you’re going to get your panties in a twist and tell me U DON’T NO MAGICK U PROLLY NOT EVEN A REAL WITCH!

So I’m going to save you the hassle of going down that road, and tell you the four crappiest of the crap spells that you’re going to find on the Interwebz, and I’m going to use basic logic and no small degree of metaphysical knowledge to tell you WHY they’re crap. But never fear, I’m not going to just leave you peeing into the wind here – I’ll offer you some better alternatives, k?

If you still want to do them after that, have at it.

Change Your Eye Color:

This one seems to surface a lot – the fact is that while magic is useful to change the way people perceive you, it’s not going to work against the laws of physics and science. You can’t change your eye color, no matter how many episodes of Charmed tell you otherwise. Don’t like the color of your eyes? Not everyone does, but you’re stuck with them. However, what you can do is try some mundane tricks like using cosmetics to alter the way people perceive your eye color, and then doing a bit of magic to change other things about yourself that you may not like. If your self-esteem is low, do a working to boost your confidence. If you feel anxious in social situations, do some meditative exercises to help keep you calm when you’re meeting new people.

Lose Weight:

Magic is not going to make you lose weight, period. It’s just not. And the reason for that is because you can cast spells all day until the cows come home, but if you want to lose weight, you have to take mundane steps to make it happen. Eat less, and mostly green things. Move more, working on cardio to burn fat and build muscle. Want to cast a spell to help you along? Do one to push yourself to feel motivated to get to the gym, or to help you focus on healthy eating.

Win the Lottery:

Magic isn’t going to help you win the lottery. Keep in mind that successful magic is dependent upon two things – the possibility of it working, and the probability of it working. Your odds of winning the lottery, whether you use magic or you don’t, are the same as that of everyone else who’s playing. Also, let’s say half a million Pagans cast spells to win the lottery – what makes you think the Universe is going to favor you over the other 499,999 people working magic? Instead, do small workings for gradual, attainable, realistic prosperity. Do a working to get a better job, get an improved return on your investments, or pay off some of the bills that suck down your checking account every month.

Turn You Into a Unicorn/Dragon/Mermaid/Whatever:

Remember that whole possibility/probability thing I mentioned above? You’re not going to turn yourself into some sort of mythical creature, because they’re mythical. If you’re really unhappy being a person – and some people are – do a working to make yourself into a person you like being. Spellwork for courage, self confidence, and generally being charming goes a long way towards changing the way you view yourself, and with a little bit of effort, you can be so awesome of a person that you won’t want to be anything but human.