Hoo Boy, This Email About Ritual Sex Tho…

Y’all, I’ve been writing and publishing content on Ye Olde Interwebz since the glory days of the mid-2000s, the Naught Oughties, when AOL Chat Rooms still existed and many people were still using dial-up to get online. And over these many years, I’ve gotten some real winners (ahem) in my email box, from Bible thumpers offering me a one-way ticket to hell to people who think chubby chicks shouldn’t be Pagan to random dick pics from strangers (hint: they’re never impressive). And every once in a very great while, I get an email from someone who has glommed onto me because THEY MUST KNOW ALL ABOUT PAGAN SEX.

And apparently I’m the one they want to ask. Maybe it’s the red hair — I don’t know, but I usually respond with a gif of Jessica Rabbit saying I’m not bad, I’m just drawn that way…

Anyhoo, I’m not even going to share the specifics of the email I got last week, but suffice it to say this guy (and it’s always a guy, so don’t @ me with NoT aLL mEn) was SUPER INTERESTED in learning more. I know this because he said so in all caps. Now, I don’t know if Kyle/Chad/Brad/Todd/Whatever seems to think I’m gonna offer up a personal tutorial on my OnlyFans, but NOPE.

That said, I also recognize there are probably people out there who are way less creepy than said Kyle/Chad/Brad/Todd/Whatever who actually do have legitimate questions, and those people deserve information. Because dog knows, there is plenty of misinformation out there— so I’mma drop you a bit of knowledge (h/t to LMM) based on Actual Facts instead of that rumor you heard from your neighbor who just knows we’re having wild Pagan orgies where we eat baby soup and stuff. So, let’s talk — real talk — about ritual sex, mmkay?

In some (although certainly not all) traditions of Wicca and other flavors of Paganism, sacred sex is part of spiritual practice. The Pagan community is generally pretty sex-positive, so you shouldn’t be surprised if at some point you encounter some references to sexual acts, whether they be actual or implied, in a ritualized setting.

By implied, we mean the symbolic — the joining of an athame with a chalice, for example. The most commonly referenced form of ritual sex is the Great Rite, which is the ritualized connection of the god and goddess in some Wiccan traditions. However, ritual sex isn’t limited just to practitioners of Wicca — plenty of non-Wiccan Pagans participate in it as well.

In Her Hidden Children, author Chas Clifton writes,

“Many Pagan religions include invocation and possession by their gods. Wicca, in particular, extends that possession to sexual acts, whether literal or metaphorical.” He goes on to say that by making sex sacred, “Wiccans in all countries set their own stamp on nature religion, uniting in their bodies the cosmic and the most personal energies of planetary life.”

Although the Great Rite is certainly the best known form of ritual sex, not all ritual sex is the Great Rite. After all, if you think about it, the whole athame/chalice thing is highly heteronormative, and that excludes an awful lot of people from participating. If the Pagan community wants to continue being LGBTQ+ friendly, that means accepting that not all ritual sex has to be P-in-V — because if it is, then it’s only for straight, cisgender people, and that’s absurd.

There’s a great piece over at the Major Arqueerna blog about rethinking the whole thing, pointing out that this “type of imagery can be uncomfortable and alienating for people in magickal communities who identify outside the gender binary or… for people who have been abused, as the “penis” is represented by a blade, which has the connotations of pain and violence.” Major Arqueerna offers some great alternatives, which I highly recommend you read about.

It’s also important to remember that there are plenty of other forms of ritual sex, which can have a number of different purposes — it can be used to raise energy, create magical power, or find a sense of spiritual communion with a partner. If “all acts of love and pleasure are my rituals,” then certainly sex in ritual can be seen as a sacramental act of pleasure. And yes, folks, if you prefer to fly solo, masturbation is a perfectly valid way of raising sexual energy.

Because ritual sex is a sacred act, any form of it must always be consensual, and in all traditions, performed only by adults — full stop, no exceptions here, EVER.

More often than not, if ritual sex is performed, it is done in private, between individuals who are part of an existing relationship already, and who are of equal levels of power within the dynamic of the coven. Think of it as the difference between two teachers who date one another, and a teacher who dates their students. One is fine, the other presents a power imbalance. Ritual sex — the Great Rite or otherwise — is a specific, sacred act performed only by those who have studied and learned enough to feel comfortable performing it with a trusted partner.

Again, if you’d like to raise some energy with sexual release, go ahead — you don’t have to have a partner involved to make it work for you!

And if Kyle/Chad/Brad/Todd/Whatever ever emails you for details, feel free to send his ass on over my way.